


All's Fair in Love and Dodgeball

by xenolith1245



Series: xenolith1245's south park one shots [4]
Category: South Park
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Humor, M/M, dodgeball - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25701454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenolith1245/pseuds/xenolith1245
Summary: The class plays dodgeball. Will Tweek and Craig's relationship survive?
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Series: xenolith1245's south park one shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956913
Comments: 31
Kudos: 187





	All's Fair in Love and Dodgeball

Tweek sat on the hard floor of the gym, pulling on his shirt and looking around the room. The entire class was seated in a big group around him, and Mr. Mackey was standing in front of them wearing a whistle around his neck.

“Now kids, your gym teacher is out sick, so I’m gunna be your substitute today, mmkay?” Mr. Mackey said.

“Oh god,”

  
Tweek looked over at his boyfriend, Craig, who was sitting next to him. Craig was sitting cross legged, and had a frown on his face. Tweek leaned over to him, putting a hand on his knee, which earned him a glance from Craig.

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, asshole.” He heard Kyle whisper loudly behind him.

“Fuck you, Kyle!” That was Cartman.

Tweek looked over his shoulder at the two arguing boys. Typical, they were always fighting about _something_. And it usually wasn’t about anything interesting. Tweek rolled his eyes. “Shut _up_!” He hissed.

“Craig, will you keep your boyfriend under control?” Cartman responded.

“Fuck off.” Craig said, without turning around. He took Tweek’s hand and laced their hands together.

Tweek smiled, and Craig gave a barely noticeable smirk back to him.

“Cartman, you are such a fucking prick!” Kyle said.

“Kyle…” Stan said, trying to calm his friend down.

Mr. Mackey cleared his throat, and the room quieted down a bit. “Mmkay, today we’re gunna play some dodgeball. Does that sound fun?”

The chatter started up again, a few cheers and some groans rang through the room. Tweek took a deep breath and sighed. Last time they played dodgeball, Kenny had smacked him hard on the side of the face, and he fell over. He wore that bruise for about a week.

Craig’s expression hadn’t changed.

“We’re gunna need some team captains, mmkay? So we can, uh, pick teams.” Mr. Mackey continued.

“Wanna go, Kyle? I bet you couldn’t pick a decent team to save your life!” Cartman said, raising his hand.

“Fuck you!”

“I bet you twenty bucks my team could beat yours.”

“You’re on, fatass.” Kyle said, raising his hand.

“Kyle, seriously?” Stan said, rubbing his forehead. “You know he’s just trying to get a rise out of you.”

“Shut up, Stan.”

Being the only volunteers, Mr. Mackey had no choice but to select them. “Mmkay, I’m not so sure about this…”

“Mr. Mackey, it’s fine, we’re gunna play a good, clean game, right _Kyle_?” Cartman said.

“God damnit.” Kyle responded.

Tweek leaned over to Craig. “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?”

Craig leaned in towards him as well, and the two brushed shoulders. “You should always have a bad feeling when it comes to these guys, babe.”

Tweek tightened his hold on Craig’s hand, chuckling. “You’re so fucking right.”

“As the one who will clearly pick the better team, I will opt to choose first.” Cartman said, ignoring Kyle’s sounds of protest. “And I pick Stan.”

“You fucking asshole.” Kyle said as Stan took his place next to Cartman.

Stan shrugged.

“Fine then,” Kyle said. “Kenny, get over here.”

Kenny leaned over between Tweek and Craig, placing a hand on both of their shoulders. “See you up there, lovebirds!” He walked up to Kyle as Craig shrugged him off, giving him the middle finger.

Cartman looked around the room. “Token, you are clearly superior at sports, get up here.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Token said from the other side of Craig. “Why do you think I’m good at sports?”

“Come on, Token.” Cartman gestured up and down at Token. “Seriously.”

Token sighed heavily before stepping around the rest of the class and stood next to Stan.

Kenny leaned over to Kyle, whispering something in his ear, and pointing to the crowd. Kyle followed his gesture, and called out his next pick. “Tweek.”

Tweek jumped, his left eye twitching. “Ack! Me??”

“Get up here!” Kenny said.

Tweek stood up, looking down at Craig, who gave the slightest of shrugs. “It’s just a game, honey.”

Before Tweek could get too far, Cartman called out his next pick. “Craig!”

“Do you _always_ have to be a jerk?” Kyle said.

“Fuck you, Kyle!”

“Hey, that’s bad language, mmkay?” Mr. Mackey said.

Craig stood opposite of Tweek, next to Token. “Don’t worry, babe. I’ll go easy on you.”

“Easy on me?” Tweek said, somehow offended at the comment.

“Yeah, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Tweek frowned. Did Craig think he was some kind of fragile baby? Like he couldn’t handle playing? Tweek could feel a tightness in his chest, and he couldn’t stop his response. “I’m not a pussy, Craig! Worry about yourself!”

Craig’s eyes widened, surprised by the sudden outburst from his boyfriend. “Fine, see if I care if you get another bruise on your face.”

_Oh boy_. Tweek said. _Here we go again._ He flipped off Craig, who flipped him off back.

“Woah woah,” Kenny whispered to him. “That escalated quickly.”

“Mind your own business!” Tweek said.

“Heidi, get over here!” Kyle said.

“Hey!” Cartman yelled, crossing his arms across his chest. “Now who’s being a dick?”

“I thought you didn’t care about Heidi?” Stan said.

“I don’t!” Cartman said, pouting. “Fuck you, Stan!”

Heidi stood next to Tweek, a glare evident on her face. Tweek thought back to Heidi and Cartman’s break up, and he was glad Heidi was on his team.

“Fine fine, if we’re choosing girls now!” Cartman surveyed the room. “Bebe! Bitch get your ass up here!”

“Don’t call her a bitch!” Clyde yelled from the crowd.

“Shut up, Clyde! No one wants you on their team.” Cartman said.

Bebe stood next to Craig and started up a conversation that Tweek couldn’t hear. It only fueled his glare to his boyfriend even more. He didn’t know why Craig sometimes made him irrationally upset, but here he was.

Kyle looked over at the opposite team, watching as Stan and Token discussed something. “Wendy!”

With that one pick, Stan stopped what he was doing and faced Kyle. “Dude!”

“All’s fair in love and dodgeball, Stan.” Kyle said. “Wendy’s a beast.”

Wendy smirked and stood next to Heidi. “Come on, Stan. Afraid to lose to a girl?” She high fived Heidi.

“Boys.” Heidi said.

“Tell me about it.” Tweek responded, earning a giggle from both Heidi and Wendy.

Stan frowned, leaning over to Cartman, and whispered something to him. Cartman’s eyes lit up, and he pointed into the crowd. “Red, get up here. Your ginger ass is scary, we could use that.”

Wendy rolled her eyes. “Of course he would suggest _her_. We’ve only been fighting for the past month.”

“Fuck you Wendy!” Red shouted.

“Mmkay, guys, language please.” Mr. Mackey said.

“Oh this is fucking war then.” Kenny said, overhearing the conversation. He tapped Kyle on the shoulder and gestured to his suggested pick.

“Nichole!” Kyle called out.

“Wow, guys, real mature.” Token said.

“Let me guess, you’re not gunna hurt me, right?” Nichole said.

“Right!?” Tweek said. “Like we can’t handle ourselves!” He glared at Craig. Part of him felt bad for heckling his boyfriend, but he was fired up now.

And it was just a game, right?

“Oh god,” Cartman said, looking at the six remaining people. “We’re getting to the rejects here. Day-vid get up here.”

“It’s Dah-veed.” David said, correcting Cartman’s pronunciation for the millionth time.

“He’s not kidding, we really are on the rejects.” Kenny said.

“Hey!” Clyde said. “I’m not a reject!”

“Get Clyde.” Tweek said. “He’s Craig’s best friend.”

Craig narrowed his eyebrows at Tweek.

“Okay, Clyde, get up here.” Kyle said, gesturing at the brunette.

Clyde ran up, passing the others and putting an arm around Tweek. He waved at Craig and Token. “At least Tweek believes in me!”

“He only picked you to get back at me.” Craig said.

“Shh Craig, don’t be jealous that I’m on his team and you’re not.” Clyde said. He lowered his voice. “Let’s get him.”

“Jimmy, get over here.” Cartman said.

“Are you serious?” Kyle said. “You’re picking Jimmy?”

“I’ll kick your..kick your ass...ass, Kyle.” Jimmy said. “You guys don’t st..stand a ch..chance!”

“Don’t discriminate against the handicap, Kyle, that’s not cool.” Cartman said. “They are just as capable as anyone else.”

Tweek looked over at the remaining three people, who were all now standing and looking off to the sides. He wasn’t sure which of them he would pick if he were in Kyle’s shoes.

“Scott, get over here.” Kyle said.

“Alright!” Scott said.

“I’m Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes.” Cartman mocked. “Great choice Kyle, you clearly want to lose.”

“You’re such a dick!” Tweek wasn’t sure who yelled that one.

“Oh Jesus, take the wheel.” Cartman said, looking at the remaining two choices. “I can’t believe I’m gunna do this, but Kevin, get over here.”

Kevin cheered. “I’m not last!”

Tweek looked over at the last choice, and he could feel the eyes of the rest of his team follow him as well. He saw Clyde facepalm, and Kyle shrug.

“Well geeze, fellas. I hope we all can play nice.” Butters said, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

Cartman was laughing. “Good luck, _Kyle_.”

Tweek glanced over at Craig, who was clearly still unhappy with him, and he received a middle finger in response to his stare. Tweek ground his teeth together. This always happened with them. One minute, everything was fine, and the next, they were bickering like an old married couple.

It made him wonder what they would be like as an actual old married couple.

The thought left his mind as Kyle called for the team to huddle together to discuss their strategy. The team consisted of Kyle, Kenny, Heidi, Wendy, Nichole, Clyde, Scott, Butters, and himself.

If he was honest, he was a little worried about the other team, but he wouldn't let them know. Their opponents were Cartman, Stan, Token, Craig (he sighed), Bebe, Red, David, Jimmy, and Kevin.

“Okay look.” Kyle said. “We can’t let fucking Cartman beat us.”

“You just want your twenty bucks.” Wendy said.

“This is bigger than that now!” Kyle said. “He’s a fucking prick!”

Tweek nodded. “Yeah!”

Mr. Mackey blew the whistle, and lined up four balls in the center of the gym. “Mmkay everyone, take your places on opposite ends of the court. When I blow the whistle again, you’ll run to the center and try to take possession of the balls. If you’re hit, you’re out, mmkay? If you catch the ball, the person who threw it is out, and one of your out teammates can come back.”

“Hear that, Craig? Out teammates can come back.” Cartman said.

Craig flipped him off in response.

Tweek stood on the line painted on the floor on the edge of the court. He was directly across from Craig, who was staring at him with his same apathetic stare. Tweek frowned, trying to push down his negative thoughts, but his irrationality brought them right back up. So Craig thought he needed to be babied, huh? He’d show him who needed to be babied.

The whistle blew, and everyone charged to the center of the room. Tweek ran as fast as he could, but backed up as the balls were picked up. Kyle, Heidi, Butters, and Wendy managed to grab all four, giving them a major advantage.

Before anyone could react, all four of his teammates threw their balls at Cartman, hitting him from all angles. Tweek winced at the sound of the rubber against skin, remembering his previous interaction with this game.

“What the fuck!” Cartman said. “You fucking cheaters!”

“You’re out Cartman!” Kyle yelled.

“Fuck you Kyle!” He walked over to the designated space for those who were knocked out. “Stan, get me back in the game!”

Stan didn’t respond as he picked up one of the stray balls, and aimed it at Tweek.

Tweek screeched, dodging at the last second. _Fuck, that was close!_

Token took a shot at Clyde, who fell to the floor before he could get hit.

“Ha! Missed me!” Clyde jumped to his feet.

Nichole ran over to the nearest ball, scooping it up and chucking it at Kevin all in one single motion. The ball hit Kevin on the butt as he tried to run away.

“Ow!” Kevin yelled.

“Damnit, Kevin.” Cartman rubbed his forehead. “Just...damnit.”

“Hey you were out first.” Kevin said, rubbing his butt as he stood next to Cartman.

Tweek stood with his legs shoulder length apart, eyes scanning the court, and hands twitching slightly. If he kept his guard up, he might be able to get out alive. He jumped as someone, he couldn’t tell who, launched a ball in his general direction.

He watched Craig dodge one that came from his team. “Oh, got lucky, huh Craig?”

“Keep it up, Tweek.” Craig said, dropping the pet names. He threw a ball at his boyfriend.

Tweek dodged it easily. _So, getting serious, huh?_

“Oh gosh,” Butters said, lobbing a ball into the air. Jimmy took a few steps forward and caught the ball easily.

“Get out...get out...p..pussy.” Jimmy said.

“Oh hamburgers.” Butters said, walking to the out zone. “Sorry Kyle!”

“It’s okay, Butters!” Kyle said, glaring at Cartman who returned to the court.

“You’re really getting a rise out of Craig, huh?” Kenny said, moving over to Tweek. “And I don’t mean sexually...but maybe that’s happening too?”

Tweek’s face turned red. “WHAT THE FUCK KENNY!?”

Kenny laughed.

Tweek looked across the court as Craig picked up a ball that rolled over to him. He was staring blankly at Tweek and Kenny, tossing the ball between his hands.

Wendy chucked a ball at Red, who dodged with minimal effort. “You’ve been talking shit behind my back!”

“Fuck you!” Red yelled. “It’s not my fault you’re a stuck up bitch!”

Wendy gasped. “Red!”

“It’s true!” Red aimed at Wendy, throwing as hard as she could.

Wendy held her arms out as the ball smacked her in the chest, but she managed to hold onto it at the last second.

“Fuck!” Red said.

“What the fuck, Red!?” Stan yelled.

Wendy smirked, motioning for Butters to come back in.

Kenny leaned on Tweek, putting an arm around him. He whispered into Tweek’s ear, making him shiver for a second. “I’ve got just the idea.” Kenny kissed Tweek on the cheek.

“ACK!” Tweek shoved Kenny away. “JESUS KENNY!”

Kenny’s laugh was cut short as a ball clocked him in the side, knocking him over. “Holy fuck!” He wheezed.

Tweek turned to the opposite team and saw Craig flipping off Kenny, a dark look in his eyes. Part of Tweek was flattered, and also experiencing some butterflies in his stomach, but he was also enraged. “I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!” He shouted.

“He fucking kissed you!” Craig yelled back.

Tweek picked up the ball that hit Kenny, and launched it at Craig. “I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!”

Craig dodged, leaving a path for the ball Tweek threw to hit Cartman square in the face.

“FUCK!” Cartman yelled. “Holy fuck!” He covered his face with his hands.

Craig looked back over at Tweek, a look of pride on his face, along with a goofy smile, that lasted exactly point-four seconds. Tweek was taken aback by this look, but the rage replaced it once more as someone threw a ball back towards him.

“Get out fatass!” Kyle yelled.

“That asshole hit me in the fucking face!” Cartman said. “That’s against the rules!”

“Cartman, you got hit, mmkay? You gotta get out.” Mr. Mackey said.

“Stop being a whiny bitch!” Kenny said, as he limped to the side of the court. Cartman glared at him.

Jimmy tossed a ball at Butters, smacking him in the leg.

“Oh boy,” Butters said. “I’m not good at this game.”

Kyle sighed. “Good try, Butters.”

Butters skipped off to stand next to Kenny.

Clyde threw a ball at Jimmy, hitting one of his crutches and knocking him over. Tweek flinched at the sound of the metal crutches hitting the floor.

“F-fuck!” Jimmy said, trying to stand himself back up.

“Whoops.” Clyde said, taking a ball to the crotch. He wheezed loudly, falling to his knees. “OW!” The boys on both sides of the court winced.

“You’re not supposed to hit handicapped people!” Bebe yelled.

“Why, Bebe!?” Clyde cried, clutching his midsection as he curled up on the floor. “Uuggghhh!”

“Not cool, Bebe!” Kenny yelled from the sidelines.

Bebe laughed before taking a ball to the arm from Nichole. She frowned as she walked past Token on her way to the sidelines.

“You gunna take me out, Token?” Nichole said, giving a come-at-me gesture. “Good luck.”

“Why are we playing along with this?” Token said, picking up a stray ball. “I don’t wanna get involved.”

“Scared to be beaten by a girl?” Nichole teased.

Token sighed. He threw the ball at Scott, bouncing it off Scott’s shoulder. The ball ricocheted off Scott and hit Nichole on the leg. He shrugged as Nichole stared at him, eyes wide and mouth agape.

“Enjoying your team, Stan?” Kyle asked, moving out of the way right as a ball whizzed by him,

“All this for a stupid bet with Cartman?” Stan said. “You got everyone all riled up! Don’t play his games.”

“Uh huh,” Kyle said, picking up a stray ball. “You just didn’t want to be on my team.” He hit Stan right in the hip, knocking the other boy out. “Bye, Stan.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “You guys are crazy.” He walked off the court.

_Crazy, huh?_ Tweek jumped over an incoming ball. His heart was racing. Part of him was yelling that this was just a game, but he was worked up now. He watched Craig hurl a ball at Wendy, the loud SMACK rang in his ears, and her shouts echoed across the court.

“Dude! Craig! What the fuck!” Stan yelled.

“Fuck off.” Craig said.

“I’m fine, Stan.” Wendy said, leaving the court. “I lasted longer than you.”

“THAT WAS A DICK MOVE!” Tweek shouted. He picked up another ball and aimed it at Craig. “APOLOGIZE!”

Craig arched his back to miss the incoming ball. “Fuck you, Tweek!”

Tweek was seething now. He clenched and unclenched his fists. Craig wanted a fight, did he? _Fine!_ He would make sure this one went down in the history books.

Token threw one, missing Tweek, but took one to the side as Heidi waved goodbye to him. “Damnit.”

“Bye, Token.” Heidi laughed. Her laughter was cut short as David got her in the arm. “Aww.”

They were down to four now. Kyle and Tweek stood opposite of David and Craig, each holding a ball as they stared down their opponents.

“Tweek, it was an honor fighting with you.” Kyle said.

Tweek’s eye twitched in response, and he squeezed the ball tighter. “This isn’t over yet!”

“Quit flirting!” Craig yelled.

“I’M NOT FLIRTING!”

Kyle directed a shot at David, knocking the ball out of his grasp as he hit his left hand. David grumbled some offensive curse in Spanish as he stormed off the court.

And Craig was alone.

“Seems lonely over there, Craig.” Tweek said, ignoring Craig’s middle finger response. He leaned over to Kyle, whispering low. “If we aim at the same time, he’ll have a harder time dodging.”

“Yeah but, he has three of the balls.” Kyle said, pointing to the other side. “We only have yours.”

Tweek ground his teeth together. Fuck, Kyle was right. “We’ll just have to wait!”

“Yeah but how long do we wa--” The SMACK this time hit Kyle in the side of the face, and the boy went down hard, his green hat askew on his head. “Ow, FUCK!”

Cartman burst out in laughter, holding his sides. “Fuck, that was beautiful. Fucking Craig, I could marry you, but I’m not gay.”

“Are you okay?” Tweek asked, helping Kyle up.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Kyle said, rubbing his cheek. “Holy shit that hurt.”

“Watch out!” Someone yelled from the sidelines.

Tweek barely managed to duck as another ball zoomed over his head. _Holy shit, I wasn’t even looking!_ “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?”

Craig merely tossed his remaining ball in his hand, with his other hand on his hip.

Kyle left the court, and it was just the two of them now.

Tweek stared cautiously at the boy on the other side. His _boyfriend_ on the other side. How was it that they always got paired against each other anyway? Their first fight (another scheme by Cartman and them), their fight during the yaoi incident, fucking Coon and Friends.

It was Civil War 2.

“Come on Craig, you gunna play fair?” Tweek rounded up the three balls on his side.

“I’ve been playing fair the whole time.” Craig said.

“Oh really? You’re getting pretty aggressive!” Tweek threw a ball at him.

Craig dodged it easily. “I’m not the one flirting with my teammates _while in a relationship_!”

“Get a room!” Cartman yelled.

“That’s what this is about!?” Tweek yelled. “What about you, huh? You don’t even believe in me!”

Craig’s eyes widened. “What?”

Tweek threw another one at Craig, aggressive and lethal, but missed by a mile. “You don’t have to baby me, Craig! I’m not some delicate flower!”

“Oh boy.” Clyde said, looking over at Token. “Not this again.”

“You’re telling me.” Token said.

“I never said you were delicate!” Craig yelled, throwing a shot in retaliation. “You always take everything I say out of context!”

“Mmkay, boys, I think maybe we need another therapy lesson.” Mr. Mackey said. “It’s best to take out your resentments in different wa--” A shot from each side of the court hit Mr. Mackey on both sides on his face, knocking him over. “Oh shit, mmkay! Fucking hell!” He covered his face.

Everyone on the sidelines stared in disbelief, eyes wide and mouths open.

Tweek and Craig froze, then burst out laughing.

“Babe, that was fucking amazing.” Craig said, walking towards the center.

“I didn’t know I had that in me.” Tweek said, walking towards Craig.

“Don’t lie, yes you did.” Craig responded. “I saw those throws you aimed at me. Fucking deadly, babe.”

Tweek held his hands out, and Craig placed his hands in Tweek’s, right at the center line. “I’m capable of more than I think, right?” He smiled.

“You’re fucking right.”

“Boo!” Cartman yelled. “Fucking gay! Craig, take him out! We gotta win this!”

“Tweek! Knock him out!” Kyle yelled.

Tweek and Craig shared a glance, shrugging. They took a few steps back, each bending down and lifting up the red rubber ball, and in complete sync, threw them at each other. The balls hit at the exact same time.

The game ended in a draw.

“You mother fuckers!” Cartman yelled.

Kyle just stared blankly.

“Neat-o! That was fun!” Butters clapped his hands together, earning a glare from the rest of the group that went completely unnoticed by him.

Tweek and Craig met in the middle once more, and Tweek held his hand out.

“TWEEK! CRAIG!”

They both winced at the volume of the voice directed at them.

“YOU ARE BOTH IN DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL MMKAY!?” Mr. Mackey blew the whistle. “Class is over!” He rubbed his cheeks. “That’s the last fucking gym class I’m subbing for, mmkay.”

Craig took Tweek’s outstretched hand.

“Sorry for getting upset.” Tweek said, squeezing Craig’s hand.

“Yeah. Me too.” Craig responded. “But what the hell’s up with Kenny? If he touches you again…”

Tweek laughed. “I’ll kick his ass.”

“We’ll _both_ kick his ass.”

The two walked hand in hand out of the gym, leaving behind the confused looks of their classmates. As they turned the corner, Tweek could hear shouting coming from behind them, as the heated emotions from the game took a toll on the rest of the class. The voices muffled as the door shut behind them.

All was right in the world again. At least, for Tweek and Craig.


End file.
